Parallel Universe pt. 2

Log start: 4:08am January 18th, 2011

Continued from Part 1::
If you have not read part 1, please do so@@
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On the interstate, i finally spotted operating vehicles. I don't know where people are going but they seem to be going in the same direction as i was, away from the city, and at pretty high speeds too. People were much friendlier on the interstate than they were back on the streets, i didn't understand why. As people drove past me, they let off the occasional wave and smiled back at me. Maybe their intentions are good and hoped me the best of my journey, but i was getting a little paranoid myself. You can't blame a person for second guessing everything at a time like this though since i just went from the streets where people would stare at you with weapons in their hands to the interstate where people are saying hello whilst driving past you. Even though i didn't understand the gestures fully, i was still wondering where they were heading to. Could people of found a nice spot to witness destruction as i had? Are they going to meet up with their friends and families for the last time? Or maybe they were headed to some mediocre evacuation center that promised them safety from everything? Either way, i was curious. After you had established what you were doing for the last days of your life, you can't help but wonder what other people had thought of. The curiosity of a human-being could be seen as a great weapon to either further human advancement or to completely destroy it. After centuries of innovation, we have developed all kinds of technology that could help us in everyday life. The greatest example would be the car that i'm driving in and the weapons that are inside of it, otherwise, i would of been forced to be on the road with a horse and carriage whilst defending myself with a rock and sling... that wouldn't be too pretty. Then, there are other times in history where innovation was quite questionable, taking a look at the large hadron collider that they built not too long ago, i start to wonder if this destruction was really brought by a higher being, natural occurance, or ourselves... Ultimately, it doesn't matter who we blame, because it won't matter in due time, but i would like some answers anyway so i can pin the blame on someone, whoever that person or being may be.

As i had mentioned before, the interstate was clear of cars except for the few brave souls who were willing to venture out like me. This struck me as odd because you always see in cinema roads clogged and horns blowing off everywhere to get people moving in an inevitable traffic jam of fail. Just seeing how different it really is in real life as it actually is happening is quite strange. Some things do remain the same: abandoned cars, cars that are lit on fire, and police blockades that have been torn down by angry citizens trying to get to places. I've been driving down this path for about 10 minutes and i've seen my share of weird things already including random farm animals running towards the city, naked people with picket signs that say "THE END IS HERE", people having picnics on the side of the interstate, and even scenes as odd as people having sex on top of their cars. Whatever floats their boat, i guess. People are entitled whatever they want duing their last days, i'm not complaining about it in any sense. It's just weird to find people doing so many different things because it just comes to show how many different types of people there are in the world other than yourself. In your mind, you find the path that you choose to reign supreme over everything that anyone else in the world chooses to think of, but as witnessed within these past 30 minutes alone, that does not seem to be the case. I was always so focused on myself that i never saw the world as a whole. Beside me, there are billions of other people out there living billions of different lives with billions of different personalities. Selfish little me couldn't see that until today, what a disappointment. Although you realize that these people live different lives than you do, the way that you were born, raised, and developed ideals tell you that you are disgusted by some of the ways that people choose to live their lives. You realize the fact that they're different, but you cannot accept that it should be how they live their lives, no matter what people say to you. Some people have this silly notion that says that if you can't accept other people for who they are, then you're just a conceited asshat that just doesn't care about other people. Gee, how i resent that statement. They're so blinded by their own beliefs that they fail to see what they're doing is actually going against their own beliefs. There should be no one in the world that should tell you how to live your life. What can possibly give someone the right to? Thinking back a couple of years, there was this one time a Jehovah's Witness rang my door bell and tried to pusuade me to go with him to his church so that i could see the truth. If there are one kind of people that i absolutely despise in the world, it's Jehovah's Witnesses. Usually, when missionaries come to my door step, their first words are "son, have you been exposed to the gospel?" Usually, since i have nothing better to do (sadly), i have a nice friendly chat with them. Most of the time they end with, "well, son, i'm not trying to covert you or anything, but if you have time, here's our flyer, you can come down anytime you want, it'll be a blast!" Whether i choose to or not to believe is my own decision and they recognize that. I respect people like that very much. They lay out all the options for you tell you something about each of them, and then go, it's your choice. But, whenever a Jehovah's Witness comes to my door, it's a whole different story. Their first words usually are "Do you believe in God? You've never seen God before in such a way before if you don't join us. We are the truth, and the time to repent is almost here. Don't listen to all the fakes out there, come to us, now."............ Okay, Shakespere, the stairs are behind you, and you best walk them whilst facing me, because that way, if i decide to swing my fists at you, you might have a slight chance to dodge them. What a weird flashback... looking at these people doing different things, on the interstate of all places, made me think of the way i chose to live life and the ideals that i have about it. It's not like it matters anymore, but for what it's worth, i finally realize that even i am at fault sometimes too. You just can't accept the fact that you've done wrong sometimes too, it's not regularly in human nature, but it worries me that it had to take the whole world's destruction to let me see the picture outside the box.

Before reaching my exit on the interstate, the influx of cars began to pile up. I shouldn't of expected anything less since this was an area that is saturated with shopping centers, supermarkets, and in general, places that you could use as a shelter from the outside world. What struck me as weird was that people were actually following the laws of traffic at this time. Not understanding such a concept at this time, i trampled through the weak barricade that separated both sides of the interstate and went up along the Do Not Enter way in order to avoid this traffic congestion. Needless to say, the cars behind me followed me and probably wondered why they didn't do it themselves. On the main road after exiting the interstate, you start to see the true colours of disorder. I thought people running around with weapons near my house was bad, but this is about 100 times worse. People are fighting each other on the streets and angry mobs are breaking into stores to loot whatever supplies they can find to help them stay alive. Seas of people are trying to break into already barricaded fortifications in order to find some sort of salvation from the outside world. You can't help but feel pity for some of these people. These people who are traveling with families, people who have no where to go, people who just want to be at peace are all threatened by the outside world. Lucky as i am, i found salvation beforehand, but these people will go to the end of time without any luck at all in their quest for shelter. It's a mean thing to say, but even until the end of time, the theory of survival of the fittest still plays a huge role. The fact is, there isn't enough shelter for everyone to hide under because even if you take thousands of, what i assume to be, good people with good intentions, you still end up with confusion and disorder. They're trying to break into safe houses and they're trying to tear barricades down so that they can be safe. This is not a war, destruction cannot bring peace in this situation, this is not a time where you can be too generous without getting hurt or killed, so ultimately, there is no right or wrong, no moral or immoral because to survive, you must outlast the others, and this is what has to be done. For miles, there does not seem to be any tranquility anywhere. Desperate people have even tried to open the door to my car seeking help, but i know better than to let anyone in. Even when they get too rough, keeping them off is as simple as pointing a pistol to their face. Even with the resolve to pull the trigger to defend my last values, my hand shakes wildly as my finger lays gently on the trigger ready to take action. It's one thing to be physically prepared, but it's another to be mentally prepared. Those who were not born and raised as a killing machine usually have a hard time becomming one. Those who do become a killing machine later on in life are forever changed. It was about 6 years ago when one of my high school friends joined the marines. I haven't spoken to him much after high school, but we still made contact once in awhile. Since he didn't have many friends back in high school, he sent his letters to his family and myself with the details of what's happening with his life on the battlefield. Compared to the last letter that he sent me before he came back from active duty, his first letter was just a fairy tale of the life he once had. Once a shy fellow who couldn't even talk to a girl, he is now an angry cold-hearted 6 foot tall white man who would not hesitate to knock you in the face as hard as he could at the bar if you even came close to into his personal space. Wishing destruction on everyone around him with the eyes of a cold-heartless murderer, the person that i once knew many years ago is alive no more. The second i pull the trigger, i fear that i would become what he is rather than stay the person he once was. I will not pull the trigger until i absolutely need to and even then, i would of unwillingly become my worst nightmare.

As i pulled up to my sought after location, i wondered how my friends had secured a faciity that was this size. It is a large office building of about 20 floors complete with an entrace to an underground parking facility. Completely fortified, the first ten floors were sealed off with plywood and metal fencing. There was no way to get into the building beside the front doors and through the entrace to the underground garage, and even then, those entrances could be completely sealed from the inside. There were barbed wire around the whole building and large football stadium spotlights on top of the roof that could light up the whole area... talk about massive. This is something that i have to get all the details on when i make my way inside. To my dismay, as i drove up to the building, there were signs of blood on the floor. Even though i was unfazed by the thought, i still wondered how many people tried to seek refuge in this impenetrable fortress and failed at the task.
This building looks as if it was mirrored from a zombie apocalypse horror movie. I just hope it doesn't turn out like one because at the end of most movies, the people inside the buildings are so overwhelmed that they are taken over by the sheer mass numbers of the zombies. Then again, humans are different from zombies as they actually have some form of logical thinking and value their lives somewhat.
As i drove to the entrace of the parking garage, i finally knew why this building was still standing. From three sides, there were about a dozen rifles being pointed at my car and i would be lying if i said i didn't almost take a shit on myself. It feels completely different on the other end of the barrel not knowing when the opposing side might pull the trigger. Judging from the shape of the rifle, my guess would be that they're mostly hunting rifles that were probably looted from the outdoor sporting goods store that was not too far from here. Hunting rifles are mostly made that they cannot fire off continuously without reloading with a hand lever much like more powerful sniper rifles with higher caliber ammunition. Although i was scared that a dozen rifles were pointed at me, i chuckled a little on the inside knowing that if there were ever a full scale angry mob invasion, this place wouldn't stand a chance. The only hope that this place has is left on the forticifation of the building, hoping that the people inside shooting can reload fast enough after each shot before the fencing and barricades fall victim due to the overwhelming number of people.
I signaled the inside via a series of headlamp flashes that were given to me when i was invited to come over the phone: 2 short flashes followed by a flash that was 10 seconds long and then ending with 3 short ones. After confirming my identity, the guns were lowered and the gate was opened and i entered the parking garage.

Salvation at last, i thought, here i might be able to escape from reality, help out with everything so the fortress is all well, and maybe live out my remaining days with the people who i trust the most in the world. On my way here, there were numerous fortifications just like the one that i had just entered. I had no doubts that each one of them held a unique group of people, people who were just like us, thought the same way as we did, people who would enjoy their last days in peace and not by raping and pillaging and destroying everything in sight. People who had at least some sort of motivation previously in their lives that have come to accept the fact that there's nothing left we can do but wait it out. When will it end? Will it end? Are we making a mistake? Surely billions of other people who are doing the same aren't wrong. When there were still television broadcasts about this, i questioned whether this was real or not. Everything seemed faux and i was reluctant to believe it. I hoped that tommorow would return to normal and i hoped this was all just a bad dream. I didn't want to die and i still don't want to die, but death is always inevitable, end of the world or not. There are just things in life that never seem real, you doubt that it happens because in your mind, it cannot happen because it just doesn't seem logical. What i have learned these past few days was that nothing can be illogical. Phenomenons that cannot be explained now doesn't meant that it cannot be explained later. A hundred years ago, the people of the time would of never dreamed of even having what we have now. We, as a society, advanced in technology and understanding faster than each generation can handle it. As soon as some ground breaking technology is revealed, another ground breaking development will be achieved a few months down the road. Technology will lead to more technology and each time it happens, it will happen at a faster pace, but when will the cycle end? When will we of reached the limits of development? Can science explain what is going on outside? Can religion support with facts the events that are happening outside? That is why we fear what is happening. We fear what we do not undestand and we try and ignore what we fear, but facing our fears become inevitable over time. Numerous people had predicted the end of the world but not a lot of people belived it. They feared death and they chose to believe it only as a myth. The problem does not lie with society but with the people who control it. The people who choose to feed us information peice by peice, people who do not want us to realize the truth, for we would rise up and revolt. Greedy anonymous people who stand on top of the world who have had the world at their fingertips since the nation was created... how sad. Ironic, the people who once had their fingertips around the world were the first ones to be taken out by them. Scary what human rationalization can achieve. That is where it all started.

This is where it ends.
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Part 3: soon



HakoneDayDreamer, notes: got a little off track... oops...

Parallel Universe pt.1

Log start: 22:54 January 15th, 2010

Today, i woke up remember the most vivid dream of my life.
Usually when you dream, you wake up and remember it for about 5 minutes, no matter how good it was, and then later you forget it.
This dream that i had for my 2 hour nap was so vivid that i remember it hours after i woke up from my nap: so i thought that it deserved a post, as it is epic as it is a sad story.

Now, this dream isn't like other dreams that i've had where reality was undefined. Strangely enough, this dream was bound to reality so closely that i even thought that i was looking through my own eyes in another mirror of myself that lived in a distant universe that is also theorized to have human life form that is similar to our own.

Now, as i remember it, a whole two days had passed in my dream and i was in the middle of the "supposed" end of the world in 2011. My other self was an expert marksman with handheld guns and instead of a recurve bow that i have in the "real" world, i would have a secret compartment in my room filled with all kinds of pistols.
Kinda cool, i think :3

Now, as it is kinda the end of the world, you can just imagine all of the turmoil, confusion, anarchy, and disorder that's happening around the world.
To top it all off, the sky is red T_T"
Everyone is off to pillage everything and social disorder was never any higher.
But this is the end of the world, why do things like that where you won't get to enjoy it at a later day? Because pillaging for stuff, unless the end of the world is fake, you'd never get to enjoy it. Come on, the sky is red, that's a good sign that it's almost over. So i chose to enjoy the last of my days by living them out peacefully.
There's always happiness in tranquility, and what a better time to obtain some tranquility before the world ends, since nothing mattered anymore.
Another clue that hinted me that i wasn't in my world (besides the obvious fact that this neither a)happened in the past and b)i don't believe that i can tell the future) was there there was absolutely no one that i recognized in my dream. Not my family, not my friends, not random people that i see almost everyday. No one was familiar... so.. here it goes.
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The scent of smoke fills the air as the whole world is drowned in disorder. People left and right are taking advantage of the situation by robbing businesses for pure enjoyment. How can a normal human being spend their last days on this so called world by doing meaningless tasks which have no meaning after the next few days? Perhaps they're just doing things that the previously couldn't do before and is finding justification to do it at this time. Either way, the time you use to spend your last days really tell a lot about a person.
Some people choose to do the things that they weren't allowed to do normally, like killing another human beings or running around with your wang out attempting to shag everything in sight that moves. Some people choose to spend it more normally like eating foods that you were never able to so that you can taste good things before you go or some people even prefer to just sit there and wait for the world to end doing nothing at all.
It's the end of the world, i'm not going to hate on anyone just because of how they choose to spend it because why start hating when you can't even live to hate-on after next week, or if it comes down to the worst, tommorow...? I just have one simple request for the world, that the way you choose to spend your last days do not interfere with mine. That means axe murderers, muggers, crazy people, if you mess with the way i spend my last days, i will pop a cap in your ass. That is all that i ask for during the end of the world.

The end of the world is truly a sight to see. The blood red sky and the bright blue sun radiates pain and destruction, your heart knows that the world is pointing towards an end but you don't know how and you don't know when, you just know that it'll happen. Some people accept the fact that the world is ending and some people are denying it. Either way, i'm not going to let anyone get in my way. I always trust gut feelings and i've never been wrong, so this is definately not a place to start.

In my mind, the best way to spend your last days is with friends and family, people who you're familiar with, and people who share the same end of the world ideals with you.
Seeing as how i have no family to contact, all that's left are my friends.

After some time scrolling down my phone list and contacting everyone on that list to share my thoughts and to find some trusty people to spend my last days with, i find that a lot of the people that i graduated college with has secured a shopping center about half an hours drive from where i am and is not letting anyone in except for friends and family. Basically, an invite only for front row seats to the end of the world. How convenient for me.
The true test of how a person really is, is measured by the way that they spend their last days. After all, nothing in the world matters anymore. Politics, beliefs, the values that you hold, and the laws of the world do not matter at all when you have come to accept that fact that everything will end right before your eyes before you realize it.
If there was ever anytime to shed tears, now would be the time. A tear for everything that you've done in the past, a tear for every hardship that you've come through, one for all the decisions (good or bad) that you have made, one for your family and friends, and one for yourself. Finally, a tear for realizing that everything you've done up to this point has had little meaning whatsoever. How sad. The only time that you realize that nothing seems to matter is when death is so close that you know it's comming at any time.
But, even tears are useless now as the time for regret, repent, and analyzation is long gone. Sometimes, even though you realize that some things are meaningless, you can't help but do them anyway because there is nothing left to do, or better yet, there's nothing left that you can do.

But before everything turns into oblivion, goals are still goals and i still need to carry out my last goal of spending apocalypse with the people who matter to me.
After inviting all of my friends and co-workers to our special hideout, i make preparations for the journey myself.
Looking around my house, i take a quick glance at every single object around me and thoughts of the past run through my mind of how these objects came to be, how they came into my posession and how it will be the last time that i'll be able to lay my eyes on them.

Pity, a whole lifes worth of legacy can be shattered by just one event, death. We do not come to realize in daily life that one day that we will die, because that is a time that we cannot predict. What we cannot predict, we choose to ignore, so we work hard everyday to build something up for self satisfaction only to know that someday, nothing will matter. Everything changes when you actually know that you'll die though. Instead of seeing your life flash before your eyes in an instant for quick deaths, as displayed in literature and media, the most painful thing in the world is having your whole life flash before your eyes and you having the mental capacity to comprehend the whole situation. Realizing that you will die and knowing that you'll die are two very different things. It's when the both of them come together that you feel worried.

Why do i feel so sad after i have come to realize and accept the fact that the whole world will shatter soon? I know better than to have these feelings of sorrow, but that's just the human in every single one of us. Sadness is the one thing that can absolutely obliterate rational thinking... what simple creatures we humans are.

Thinking back on all the memories i had as a child with my family, friends, and co-workers, i just can't help but to weep. These tears are not tears of sadness, and in no way are these tears of joy, what these tears are is that they are tears of realization, of the fact that i must leave everything behind as i venture into my immenent doom.
Soon, all of these objects that i have accumulated from the past will be nothing more than memories that i must leave behind, memories that will of no longer be any value to me, memories that will have no further meaning as soon as i step out of this house, and memories that will forever remain a memory of a person who is one in a couple billion people, who is only an ant in a universe, and whose memories will not benefit anyone except himself. Knowing that i will die soon, all of these memories have been locked in my heart and the key thrown away as i will no longer need to recall any of them, good or bad.

Before i venture out to my doom though, i thought that it would only be fair to cook for myself the best last home cooked meal ever. After all, there's a chinese saying that you shouldn't die a hungry ghost, because then you'll forever be hungry, and being hungry is not a very good feeling. Cooking is the hardest thing in the world when you are able to use everything at your disposal. Think of it as having your whole pantry at home, and you're cooking just one meal with it. You're able to use EVERYTHING knowing that you won't have to stock back up on it later on, because you have everything at your disposal, you just don't know what to make. This is not a time to be stressing myself out, meal or not, i just want something good and homecooked, a feast can be taken care of later when everyone is gathered. Even though i wished for a good meal at home, all i ended up making was instant noodles and dumplings. Not much of a "good" meal, but it's my favourite at home mini fixture for everything. So i'm happy i made it because for the last time, i made myself something that i truly love, no matter what. That's all that matters in my mind.

Now with everything taken care of, it's time to meet the crew. You'll never know what to expect on a journey of a thousand miles (as the saying goes), so you must prepare accordingly. In the garage lies my pride, my joy, and a tank of the road: a 2008 Hummer H2, yellow, of course. People say that the gas mileage is the worst thing about the car, but let me tell you, when need be, this baby will run shit over. It will make its own road if it has to. So you tell me, what better choices are there during the end of the world journey? A journey that is your last, and a journey that you aim to complete, no matter what the cost. I would trust it on this bad boy of a tank.

Now, in my trunk, i have loaded the extra provisions that were found at home, you know, things to fill your stomach with just incase, and food that can possibly be cooked and shared with at our "fortress". Now, my hummer isn't loaded like James Bond's car, it doesn't have missles or an eject button, but if it's one thing i know best, it's weaponry. As an expert marksman and president of the city's most prestige gun club, my home is as loaded as a small military fort. In my triple security sealed room, pistols that hang on the wall from ceiling to floor, rifles that lay side by side in a special shelf, and enough ammunition that can last me a life time can be be seen as soon as you enter.
First weapon to be loaded up: The German H&K PSG1 Semi-Automatic sniper rifle.
- The reason i chose this is simple. This is fast, accurate, and has a mother fucking long range. If a mob of angry nobodys ever try and invade us and demand to let them in, i will not hesitate to shoot. Forget morals, forget religion, and forget laws. If they want to mess with the people that i choose to spend my last days with, they're going to go through hell before hell reaches them. Trust me, i've never missed my targets with this before.
Now, this next one i thought about for a few minutes, at first, i thought bringing an assault rifle was too much overkill. Afterall, what are my goals? To break into fort knox? Not really, but the selling point of me choosing an assault rifle was simple after i thought about it.
Take a look outside, disorder and chaos, on top of that, a red sky and blue sun. People are going to be armed, people are going to be angry, and people are going to be reckless and crazy. Even with my sharpshooting skills, there are only so many shots i can pull off with handguns before i need to reload or just plain run out of ammunition. Preparing for the worst, this will help me in those tough situations. Sometimes, it's always easier to spray and pray. If it ever comes down to me versus a group of 30 people, lets hope i can bring their numbers down faster than they can attack me.
M4A1 Carbine. Standard special forces issue. One of the great things being president of the club is that i get special access and special licenses to have these for my private collection. This thing will tear anyone to shreds, assuming that no one will be wearing military grade body armour of course. I do hate assault rifles though. Only thing that's good about it is that it pulls off more rounds than a pistol can and i'm not in a war zone or anything, i would never see the need to use one of these in real life, but a collection wouldn't be a collection if you didn't have everything, so i keep it. Now that i'm cleaning and loading it up, i don't regret choosing to bring one home. They say that an enemy of your enemy is your friend. That is exactly how i see this situation. I don't like rifles, and they don't like me, we have opposing idealologies, but when the time is right, we'll work together and make a pretty bad ass team at it.

Now, i was never a fan of heavy guns. They're not practical, they're not concealable, and they're too bulky to be fast with. And plus, i didn't get my title as an expert marksman and quick draw champion with them. What i am proficient at and what i worked my short adult life doing was expertise in pistols.
One shot, one kill; if i actually were shooting live targets, of course.
My favourite pistol, of course, would be the Isreali made Desert Eagle.
7 rounds of .50 caliber is more than enough to get any job done. Just think of getting hit with a grenade at high speeds, because this baby will blow a hole the size of a baseball in anyone it hits.
But as the Desert Eagle is powerful, it is also slow, and when the time isn't right, the job won't be done right, so to fix that, my second pistol of choice would be an old fashioned glock. Speed, power, small, light-weight. There's nothing more to ask for in a close quartered combat scenario. .45 caliber of awesome. Not as powerful as the Desert Eagle, but faster, and in arms, speed is deadlier.

Now, enough about my job and fantasies, along with the provisions that i have previously loaded on to the hummer before i went into an orgasmic state taking a last look at my armoury, i have also placed the PSG1 and the M4A1 into the car, strapped 2 Desert Eagles into holsters under my jacket, hid 3 glocks elsewhere onto my body, and stocked up enough ammunition to handle even a zombie apocalypse.

A few hours have passed since i made contact with my friends, and now it's finally time to leave my home. Looking at it again, i almost feel like i don't want to leave. I've been living here for over 10 years, this is the house that my parents bought and was handed down to me, there were so many memories that were made in this house, it's saddening to see it go. While taking my last trip down memory lane, my whole world suddenly turned grey and i could see my family and relatives converging around the house.

Yes... this was around the time of chinese new year, the biggest chinese holiday out of all of them. Chinese new year is about as big as christmas for the world, if not bigger. It's a time for celebration, a time to remember, and a time for festivities. In a Chinese household, there's nothing that can stop the music, nothing that can stop the fun, and nothing that can stop the good food from comming. Just seeing everyone again makes me happy with tears of joy. I haven't had a dream about everyone like this in a long time and i honestly don't want it to stop. Reality right now is like a nightmare come true and happy memories from the past let you reminisce about how it once was before everything shattered overnight. I know that it's useless to think about the past because it will never come back. Memories will forever stay memories, no matter how good the experience once was, but you just can't help but feel happy about them. Seeing everyone again for one last time in this house, even though they're not real, will be able to free me from all the regrets that i have. I'll finally be able to let go of all the feelings that i have in this house, free myself from all the memories and be able to move foward durings my last days without any interruption. Sad though, it took my most cherishable moments with my family to finally realize that i should of let i go a long time ago. The only reason i stayed in this house was that i thought maybe some day i would wake up from a bad dream and everyone would just come back and my world would be normal again. After so many years though, i finally realize that it wasn't the case of why i stayed. I stayed because i couldn't accept the fact that everyone is gone, the fact that i was so lonely in this world, and because i was to scared to move forward. It was hard for me losing everything over night, a normal person wouldn't of been able to deal with it, but the last words that my mother whispered to me "live for me" were the words that i will never be able to forget in this life time, even after i have left all my memories in this house.
To this day, i have blamed myself for everyone not being here. I was powerless, i was weak, and i was useless. What's good in learning a skill to save people with if you can't even save your own family during a time of need? My, what a tragic accident that was during the family vacation. I was so outraged that i had to be escorted back to the states by the American embassy under the supervision of military personnel. Looking back at it, that was the time where i learned to shoot a weapon. I would never be so raged that i would take it out on another human being's life. I clearly remember how i felt when i lost my loved ones and i would never want anyone to feel the same way. Taking it out on paper targets and silicone dummies was the only thing i could do, what a fool i was then, and what a fool i am now. Vowing that i would never pull the trigger on a living human being once before, i have overcame that resolve just moments ago when i was mentally prepared to pull the trigger to protect my newly formed ideals. How did i turn into this hypocritical nutjob that would of once gave his life to save others? Whatever the answer to that question may be, it's futile to think about it now, because once i put more thought into it, my resolve will start to weaken and when the time comes, i will not be able to save anyone. Failure will not happen twice in my lifetime, i will make sure of that until my last dying breath, wherever that breath may be taken.

As i packed the last of the ammunition into the hummer, i quickly went upstairs to my room to get a peice of paper from my printer. I was never a man of superstition but seeing as how it's going to be the last time i am able to set foot in here, it only felt right to bow my head in front of the family altar one last time before i set off. On the peice of paper, i wrote "To my family: Sorry. I will see you soon. -Love, Brian" sealed it up in an envelope and closed it with a wax stamp. Walking over to the altar, i lit up 5 pieces of incense, one for every family member that i failed to save that day and bowed my head three times. One bow to my ancestors, one bow to my parents, and one bow to ask for protection. Chinese traditions were never my forté, but until i walk out of this house, i will always bear the guilt of being a useless child. I tucked the letter under the pot of incense and i walked towards the garage quietly sheading tears.

On the road outside, there are signs leading you to a coastal evacuation center like this was a chapter out of the bible entitled Noah's Ark. Surpisingly enough though, there were barely any vehicles on the road outside. I guess i was too late for the party. Out on the main streets though, there were people holding guns walking around to stores like this was some place in somalia with pirates looting the stores. What a sad place the world has become. Once a place of order and tranquility, the city has turned chaotic in a matter of days. Even the trees weep as they lose their sparkling green leaves in the middle of spring months. Realizing that this is not a good time to sum up on the situation regarding other people, i make a drive towards that interstate that would lead me to the fortress while i gnaw on the milky way bar that i had found in my glove box. A few blocks later, i had a sudden flashback about the chocolate bar that i had found. It didn't strike me to be weird before when i found this candy bar in my glove box, but thinking a little about it now, i actually don't buy candy bars for myself, so how did this get here? My flashback had made me realize that this candy bar was installed under all the car documents that i have in the glove box by my ex-girlfriend Heather. Heather was a crazy psychopath which tried to take charge of my everyday life, it got as bad as to when she wanted to control when i showered, slept, and went to the bathroom. You don't really get to know someone until you've spent time with them, and this was one of my worst decisions to date. I had met Heather at one of my friend's birthday parties, at that time, she glowed with vibrant colours and her smile was a 1-hit-KO. Mezmerized by her outer beauty, i had failed to assess the situation completely, leading to a horrible relationship. After that time, i started to analyze girls so much before hinting that i have an interest in them that i haven't gone out with another girl since. It only takes one psychotic girl to ruin your game, and my game was forever ruined. Not wanting to think about the evil girl Heather anymore, i quickly lowered my window and disposed of her last remnants.

_____________________________________________________________________

END OF PART ONE//End Time: January 18th, 2011 3:51am
I'm going to start recording part two tommorow.

If my story had a soundtrack, this would be one of the songs::


HakoneDayDreamer

cure for the disease

Log start: 4:07am January 11th, 2011

A frightening feeling, delirium is.
Although you recognize that everything around you is real, it doesn't feel real.

But on a happier note, i seem to be cured.
The remedy, being woken up in the wee early hours on a sunday to go shopping.
Deliriously shopping is bad though >_> mucho splurge-o

But if that's what it takes, then it's worth it to get out of the feeling. It's absolutely the worst thing ever, as explained in the last post, it rarely happens to me, and when it does happen, things fucking suck.
But reflecting upon the thoughts that i have come up with in my sickly stage, i recalled a quote that was once said by Muhammed Ali.

"Impossible is nothing"


"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing."

It seems that everytime i come out of the delirious feeling that i come out with greater insight. I can't explain how that works, but you'll just have to trust me.

On a side note, i only have my little brother and my cousin to thank for putting me in a sickly stage.
Children have the weakest immune system, i swear. I take pride in my iron immune system, back in Stony Brook, people would be shitting bricks before i got anything even remotely close to a sniffle, but back at home where it's infested by an infinite number of germs, i can't help but to be overcomed by the sheer vast numbers that i have to battle against.
That's how the brave 300 lost, right? :p
One of my stupid white blood cells must of gave the enemy a side entrance and it completely destroyed me.

Oh well, it seems like i'm sick every week when i'm at home, no matter how fast i'm able to recover >_>
I want to move back to stony but i can't move in until the 30th.

-_-"

it's almost 5am, i'm tired and some other emotion that i don't want to explain atm.
so i'll leave you with this.




HakoneDayDreamer, impossible is nothing.

Surreality

Log start: 4:11am January 8th, 2011

This past week, i've been waking up to dreams where the dream is a more ideal place to be than real life. There's nothing wrong with me (or at least i don't think so) but usually, no matter how awesome the dream is, i wake up and go "ahh, that was a nice escape, now, back to real life, lalala"
But no, not this past week.
I'm finally getting an uninterrupted 7-8-9 hours of sleep and this is what i have to show for it, a dream that i would prefer living in as opposed to reality, even if it's not 150% epic.

My conclusion is that there's something in real life that i want to avoid, something that i don't want to happen, and some things that i want to happen which won't happen, the balance is finally tipped and i wish to escape from everything.
Being so tranquil, finally, my mind is so drunk on this tranquility that it wants it to last forever. Knowing that i have to face these challanges and decisons one day, i must be finding it hard knowing that i have to come across many decisions soon.

It's not like i don't understand myself or the philosophy behind everything that i do; people ask me questions like "are you sure" "for real?" "wtf?" and i know pretty damn well that it'll work out, whatever i might be doing.

But this is on another level: i know that my dreams are not reality, why must my mind try and enter that knowing that it's not real?

A state of confused tranquility (yes, it exists) versus reality itself where i must choose one or the other every day, a battle between the two has been going on the past week.
But another level of escape lies beyond that.
About two days ago, i unconsciously shut the outside world from my state of mind.
Aside from being tranquil and aside from telling myself that dreams aren't real, i've been absorbed into a level where nothing concerns me anymore.
I seemed to have shut down everything, from basic human interaction to things like day dreamer. Now, what's a blog about a day dreamer without the writer actually thinking and day dreaming?

Now, i am in a state where nothing is real, i recognize that it's there, i recognize that this is reality, but everything is just so surreal.

There are only a few points in my life where i have reached this point of "i just don't flippin' care anymore"
and they are
- The two times in high school during a swimming meet where coach made me swim 2 events back to back, the 100 Fly, 4 laps of butterfly and the 500 free, 20 laps of free style.
- During one swim practice where i practiced so hard that i felt queasy and was a millimeter away from puking my brains out
- Last year in Texas during the handball tournament where there was so much pain that i was at one point, delirious, and felt like winning or losing didn't matter any more as long as i got to fuck some shit up afterwards.

Now, all of these have in common physical exhaustion, which in my state now, does not exist, so i don't know why it's happening.

I just don't want to think about this anymore >_>
Seems like i need some time off of relaxation and actually go do something.

Maybe... maybe that's the answer, maybe it's because i can't be still for too long, maybe it's because my inner self is urging me to do something.
It is true that i haven't been this relaxed in who knows how long, and being this relaxed might actually be interrupting some weird activity cycle that's imbedded into my circadian rhythm...

This is too confusing right now and i don't want to think about this anymore.
For now, i'll just resume my presence in a world that is real, yet doesn't feel real, a world where anything can happen, but nothing actually happens, a world which is so real that is no longer real, a feeling that lingers within me that might not be sated, and in a world where unlimited thought is processed every second.

HakoneDayDreamer, a world where there might not even be a world, but a world where the world is around us.