Foulest of moods

Log start: 11:46pm February 3rd 2009

I don't know, but today i am in a particularly foul mood...
i don't know who caused it (i'm pretty sure it wasn't a person who caused it) i don't know what caused it but the rage has been sitting inside of me the whole day.
i'm close to pinpointing the time of day that it started but i want to know why it's here. why this anger is emitting from the very core of my existence.. why this pain is slowly deteriorating my head... what have i done wrong? or what have i yet to do that will be wrong?

WHAT IS IT? argh..
Hopefully by writing what i've experienced today from classes i'll find the answer within myself.
I'd like to bring one of the highlight of my day when i knew this rage was sitting inside.
Today in Career class (CAR 110), the professor (which is a psychologist btw) put a list of 11 words on the blackboard. These 11 words represent what the majority of people want to achieve when they look for a job or when they start learning in college what they want in their futures.
I don't quite remember all 11 of them but she gave us 5 peices of paper, on each paper we had to choose 5 on the board that meant the most to us.
To not further complicate this entry, these 5 words is our own interpretation and i will explain what it means to me. You might have a different definition but let's see... how would i put it.... i don't care (not right now anyway).

Prestige - How you are seen in the eyes of a public. if i somehow am elected mayor of New York City, that's pretty damn prestigious for an asian guy. and somehow make it to presidency, 1st ever asian president. Sounds prestigious to me. So this word is what people see in me or what i wish people to see in me because i wish to change the world. Sounds pretty egotistical but it's the truth, i want to change the word with my bare hands while supported by my family, friends, and the public who shares my views with me.

Happiness(with what you're doing) - My parents tell me to not choose a major that i don't want to take. They want me to be happy with what i choose. (i know that's kinda BS because they want me to succeed in life by getting a job with high pay, but i'll give my parents the benefit of the doubt until i heard it from them directly.) We had a long discussion between peers and the professor today in career about this. What would you do if you're not happy with what you do? Lets say you're only a doctor because it pays super duper but then, a doctor who likes his job will more likely progress in his field further than the guy who chose it to have the digits in his bank account. True, and for my case, there are some things in American Politics that i am not particularly happy about, so (going back to my original argument) i want to change it.

Money - You're probably lying if you said "Oh, i don't want to get a job just for the money, i just want to be happy." First of all, you need to search yourself deeper because that's the biggest bullshit i'll ever hear from someone in regards to choosing a major and a job. Expecially in these times of economic crises, people are looking for money. Because to be honest, it brings security to you and your loved ones. Although this is debatable even in myself because by going to college, i SHOULD already be above the average digits when i get out into the work force.

Security - To me, security means how secure will your job be once you are accepted into a position? Of course, if you're elected into office your job is secured for a set amount (unless you're a whore paying governer) of years. But what happens after those years? These things correspong to each other. I hope i'll do a good job, but what will the public think of me? but for the most part, civil service jobs are secure (at least in my point of view.)

Ok, i forgot the last one, but it should be pretty useless if i forgot it.

Then the professor went around the room, telling us to drop one of these values into a basket that she was holding. Slowly, she went around the room four times, after the fourth time, each one of us was left with 1 value that is most important to us.

In my hands was the word "Security"
Hmm... ok, security i asked myself... why? well, i don't have to be the president, i can be a council member of NYC. Ok, money, i don't need a 500k a year job, i just need a job that can make my family happy. happiness, this one i debated with security for a long time. But in order to sacrifice security for happiness, it could possibly mean the loss of my job which.... in a world where money rules the world (sadly) i cannot afford to take this risk, even if it is for my happiness. and the last option... i probably threw that one first.

this discussion was for the first 40 mins of the class, the other 40 mins, words were comming out of her mouth but my head didn't absorb it because i was too into what we did earlier. why am i a political science major when i can do something else? i haven't thought about that yet...

with that out of the way, what happened before that made me arrive at this foul mood?
this is probably the start of my "grown-up" issues, debt, job hunting, things that i have to do, and things that i need to do. i guess that thinking about all of these on the same day just overwhelmed me... i even took a powernap in my POL103 class :( i love my poli sci classes >.>

But this can't be it... i must dig deeper for the truth. you'll probably think that i'm lying when i tell you this but my brain processes the day's information when i take a shower. like it defrags all the information, throwing away all the useless things that i don't need to know (what i ate for breakfest) and this information is then "saved" during i sleep, sometimes my dreams are... uhh.. pretty vivid... sometimes i reply my whole day looking at the details that i missed when walking but suddenly remember them when i sleep (pretty crazy, i know) and often after this i dream of a day of how i wanted it to happen. (no details on this please, i'd have to kill you LOL)

Well, hopefully i can find my answer tonight.. or i'll be in another foul mood tommorow.. and rage and only be kept for so long until i release it. (I do not support domestic violence! not that this matters at this point in my life)

But i'd like to say congratz to Ms. Wan for getting a 100 on her english regents! the closest i've gotten was a 96 on another regents... i was so close x_x

RAGE!,

HakoneDayDreamer, trying to make my day as happy as possible now before i sleep on it... or i'll have to keeeeeel someone